After learning about the ingredients of this candy, I realized that for health reasons it is better to eat the wrapper it is wrapped in.

How is it in psychiatry? The first one to put on the robe is the doctor.

The first instructions in the handbook for patients in a mental hospital: "How to control the Universe without attracting the attention of the orderlies."

God created people: some smart and some stupid. Von Neumann created the computer to even the odds.

When sadness hits you-just hit back.

All people are two-faced. The first personality is kind, sincere, sympathetic. The second appears when the first is abused.

My princess gets offended when I call him that.

American scientists discovered British scientists who were mistakenly locked in a women's restroom.

Victor realized that he wasn't very respected at work when they started raising pigs in his office.

Overheard:

"Why were you in jail?"

"For nothing, really. It was just a cultural misunderstanding. The prosecutors are just monsters without hearts."

"What happened?"

"How did I know that the USA prints the same dollars-what do I do?"

Two cats in conversation:

"Hi bro! Do you know who our predecessors are?"

"Lions, of course."

"And who are the predecessors of our owners?"

"Apes, of course."

"Oh Lord! What a shame!"

Checking in with the servants:

"Do you swear to follow, always in love with freedom and democracy?"

"Yes, my Lord!"

Realistic:

"Yesterday I spent the whole day going to stores and malls."

"Shopping?"

"My salary was delayed, so for now I'm just watching."

Two climbers are reaching the top of the mountain with their last bit of strength, and they sit down to rest.

One asks the other, "So, how are you doing with buying that apartment?"

"No, I refused. What am I, a fool-to the fifth floor without an elevator?!"

A Mom is called to the school about her child. The biology teacher immediately gives her a notebook.

It reads: Lab work, assignment #1, description, tasks, progress. At the end, the conclusion:

I wasted 45 minutes of my life on this nonsense.

Angry customers clamor in a restaurant, tired of waiting for lunch.

"Alright already! Bring me something to eat!"

"Just a minute, the waitress is on her way."

"Thank you. But we are not cannibals."

A husband decided to buy a car, but discovered that he did not have enough money. He sadly tells his wife about it. She consoles him.

"Don't be upset, I have $50,000 in my account."

"$50,000?! Where did you get that kind of money?"

"It may sound funny, but I put money aside every time you kissed me."

"My God, if I had known about this earlier, I would have quit my job a long time ago and would have done nothing but kiss you."

A three-year-old boy receives a birthday present from his grandmother. Upon unwrapping it, he sees that it is a water pistol and, squealing with delight, runs quickly to fill it. Mom is not at all thrilled and calls her mother on the phone.

"Mom, don't you remember how we drove you crazy with our water pistols?"

"I remember, my dear, I remember it very well!!!"

A prisoner escapes. Naturally, he is caught and returned. They bring him to the boss:

"So why did you decide to escape, John?"

"I just wanted to get married..."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. You have a strange understanding of freedom, John."

The whole family is sitting at the table having dinner.

The mother says to her son, "Jack, give the bone to Dad. You are not a dog."

Two workers on break:

"Listen, don't you think that our new boss is a little stupid?"

"What makes you think that?"

"Yesterday he asked me three times why I don't work?!"

On Judgment Day, three men arrive at the entrance to Heaven.

The angels ask the first man, "What is two times two?"

"Four!"

"Well done, go to Heaven."

The angels ask the second man, "And what is three times three?"

"Nine!"

"Good, go to Heaven."

The angels ask the third man, "What is 254,675 multiplied by 356,748.9, and then extract the quinary root?"

"If there was no room left, you could have said so right away!"

In the Army, a phone call comes in:

"Colonel, I think this is for you"

"In your opinion, or for certain?"

"I find it hard to answer, but the person on the other end of the line asked, 'Is this you, old fart?'"

A parent talks to their child about school:

"Did the teachers ask you an additional question after your answer?"

"Yes, they asked: Are you an idiot?"

After watching The Titanic movie, a sentimental viewer said:

"If the ship hadn't collided with the iceberg, someone would still need to launch a torpedo into the ship's side."

"Why!?"

"Just to make sure we could still listen to this beautiful song composed for the soundtrack."

To submit a joke, email dmitriytheater@gmail.com.